The curious case of Robert Mugabe: Our agony of having a President who wields a magic wand.

The curious case of Robert Mugabe: Our agony of having a President who wields a magic wand.It's not supposed to be this way. But I can't help laughing. The world is convinced that there is no smoke without fire. We can't just pass a day without something rather bizarre slipping through our ears. For those acquainted with the wizardry of the magical movie series in which Harry Potter fights evil, we have our very own evil wizard Lord Voldemort in Zimbabwe.

For example, when you thought enough had been said of Silvio Berlusconi and his penchant for belly dancing and bunga bunga girls discarding their knickers. Football icon Ryan Giggs looking like Adam in the Garden of Eden after eating the forbidden fruit. The ever-growing Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Society. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange and his condom hatred. Arnold Schwarzenegger , the 'Sperminator', fathering a secret child with a housemaid thirteen years ago. Now imagine ex-IMF boss Dominique Strauss-Kahn heavily disappointed after being denied oral sex by that hotel maid he is accused of sexually assaulting in New York. Think about it. You don't need scholarly analysis to see the correlation. The profound resemblance reflects a prevailing despair in which men succumb to the spirit of hot rabbits and score goals in their own nets. And no need for advanced map reading to locate the diseased part of our anatomy.

It turned out even worse when someone who is not known for revealing his private life suddenly tells a wedding congregation that he has a hidden secret. He has a magic wand. I hear Robert Mugabe (RM); elderly despot boasting that no woman can turn him down. What if a woman did turn him down? Unleash a vicious bloodbath on them? Torture? Rape? This old fashioned attitude is unimaginable, distasteful and cannot go unmarked; he is a danger to women. Make no mistake, he was not joking. I pray he did not pose bare chested or strip naked like Stauss-Kahn. Surely these are end times.

Mind you, this was a Seventh Day Adventist faith themed nuptial. Although we do not know if they laid hands on his head, like the Apostolic sect where he claims to have got his stick from, this is a vital piece of information. They take seriously the issue of testifying (Kureurura). Mugabe must have been vindicated in some respect. I now wish that they invite him more often. He once carried the nations hopes but is now sinking it deeper in to the mud. Perhaps he will potentially open up in depth and take us to the bottom of those questions still embedded in our conscience. The liberation struggle, whose effect has been grossly over stated for propaganda campaigns and we have had nothing informative about his father, mother or even his origins.

I have no idea where that secret want he talks about is hidden. Besides, at 87 we know plenty about him already. It is obvious that the magic wand is not in his pants; otherwise the anecdote about the First Lady playing away would not have been so widespread. More so, there is talk that Mugabe's manhood was heavily tampered with by his Rhodesian torturers during his detentian at Gonakudzingwa and Hwahwa prisons. To give him the benefit of the doubt, his own revelations meant that the ITV's Loose Women and our very own Oprah Winfrey, Mai Chisamba would have had the pleasure of inviting him in for a cup of coffee.

It cannot too often be emphasised that quite a few men, I would suggest, would admit to the problem of having a young and sex obsessed wife. One confidante of the late Peter Pamire mentioned that Peter believed the First Lady had multiple sexual arousal syndrome. It's that moment when trusting your neighbour to replace a light bulb can be very hard. Every now and again, old wounds get opened up. It dosn't come as a surprise to me that James Makamba and Gideon Gono are believed to have injected their share in to the equation given the fact that RM said his wife took the stick for safekeeping. It's having a reverse effect! To make matters worse, Grace was once a private secretary in RM's cabinet office. Through the wits and titanic undertaking of his very close ally, Munhamo Utete, he managed to snatch the former Christ Mambo student from under the nose of her husband; a shameful and positively embarrassing way to acquire a wife for a man with magic.

Given these circumstances I am sure that, like Osama Bin Laden, Mugabe must be heavily dependent on 'herbal Viagra' (Mushonga wemusana or Vhuka-vhuka). I watched Colin Firth's The Kings Speech. I hear a porn version of this masterpiece is out, The Kings Piece. Then, of course, I can only imagine the trauma and horror that Mugabe's therapist is going through given the Wikileaks cable disclosure that he is so frail he needs support to wash his hands for dinner.

Dwelling on his secret life, Mugabe had no reputation of alcoholism. As part of his strategy he would intoxicate others so he could manipulate them. My understanding is that he used the same tricks to bring down the late Edison Mudadigwa Zvobgo, whom he would get drunk and depict themselves as God's chosen two, Jesus Christ and John the Baptist. Those who know him well openly admit that he is good at identifying peoples weaknesses and exploiting them. Those who recall the words of Margaret Dongo to ZANU (PF) MP's that 'Muri vakadzi vaMugabe' (You are Mugabe's wives). They were not homosexuals but blushed at their own credulity.

RM is not known as a womaniser either. It seems my country is unable to find an alternative in this portfolio and what defies belief is that not even one in the Women's League has accused him of fathering a secret child, unlike the testosterone mad Schwarzenegger. I am talking of those women with proper 'bottom...ass...assets' that will make Pipp Middleton look like an oxygen-deprived parrot and her fans renounce their devotion. Only Oppah Muchinguri , who has dated a string of men including the late Simon Chimbetu, has been linked to RM during the guerilla war. At that time Oppah was an aide to the late revolutionary icon Josiah Tongogara until his untimely death, shortly before our independence. I only cited this example for those doubting Thomases, still asking how Josia may have died and who stood to benefit from his death. Here is a clue.

That said I can't help thinking that Mugabe is on to something. His outbursts frighten many. It makes one feel very uneasy knowing that a neighbour has mubobobo and there is nothing you can do about it. And when you think even more about it, you can see why many people have been suspecting this man of having wizardry and witchcraft, just like Harry's nemesis Voldemort.

The tragedy then is that those who have come within RM's vicinity say his face alone is enough to strike so much fear that his wife Grace dare not mention him by name. Like the evil Voldemort, whom they refer to as 'you know who', RM is 'Shefu or Bob' for our convenience. We know of his strategic acumen for plotting against his foes.

I am told that during the Guerilla War Mugabe would trot across Africa looking for Sankoma or witch doctors. Through his alliance with the late Chief Rekai Tangwena, whom Edgar Tekere introduced him to, and Hastings Kamuzu Banda of Malawi, Mugabe had heavy muti (potions), including voodoo (Zvikwambo). How would he have survived the havoc of Ngozi after killing so many people? This is regarded as his pillar of strength and it is those potions that he uses to precipitate brutal reprisals leading to intimidation of those who dare stand up to him. Look at how he has spectacularly purged the opposition and the military. Unlike many other African countries, in Zimbabwe there has never been a 'candid' coup attempt or even a barrack revolt in the dictators 30 year old rule.

Even more troubling than this is RM's hostility to the late Joshua Nkomo. Mugabe did fear the Ndebele and did not approve of its loyalty to ZAPU. Though Nkomo (aka Bhuru renkozi or Chibwechitedza) was equally formidable, he settled for a brutal checkmate after being deceived. I first met Joshua when he arrived with his UD lorries filled with armed men at Mulena Supermarket at Dorowa Minerals, five years after independence. And three years earlier he had been sacked from his Home Affairs portfolio for allegedly being involved in a coup attempt. On that day the shops had to shut briefly for his presence. Hanging up his long, black three-quarter length jacket and hat he plunged me in to a terrible gloom. Since then I had no doubt that Joshua was so brave and had extraordinary powers.

Accidentaly, my second encounter with Joshua was in the late 90's along Harare's First Street. Perhaps it is because he was committed to the people and in pursuit of fairness. There used to be this guy who would walk on a wire and lift some heavy piece of rail (Njanji) with his teeth. Joshua touched that Njanji with his walking stick and asked the man to lift it as he always does. Hey, I have never seen a man sweating and frowning like that in my life. He couldn't lift that which he routinely poses with in photographs. Phew! Come to think of it, how powerful is Mugabe's potion?

It is also worth emphasizing once again, a Rhodesian prosecutors feeling after the acquittal of those involved in masterminding the Chinhoyi Battle in 1966. I heard the prosecutor failed to speak and lay out his case on three occasions, even though Hassan Chakezha had turned state witness and gave name after name. According to the Memories of Rhodesia's library archives the prosecutor strongly believed that the use of muti always brought victory to the natives.

Now that Mugabe is old, the worst outcome would be that he passes that wand of his to his 'son', Robert Jnr. Or to cut in to the Achilles heel of his nephew, Leo. However, in the event that RM dies before passing it on, please bury him at sea, just like Osama Bin Laden. Otherwise his ghost would cause mayhem and a catalogue of horrors in the streets of Harare.

Besides, here is something that touched my heart and would certainly help; even if Mugabe is a devil-worshipping man with a very nasty personality, and he may play the epic, sentimental, backwards-ageing man Benjamin Button, but mark my words; No one lives forever!