Sunday 5 June 2011

The curious case of Robert Mugabe: Our agony of having a President who wields a magic wand.

The curious case of Robert Mugabe: Our agony of having a President who wields a magic wand.It's not supposed to be this way. But I can't help laughing. The world is convinced that there is no smoke without fire. We can't just pass a day without something rather bizarre slipping through our ears. For those acquainted with the wizardry of the magical movie series in which Harry Potter fights evil, we have our very own evil wizard Lord Voldemort in Zimbabwe.

For example, when you thought enough had been said of Silvio Berlusconi and his penchant for belly dancing and bunga bunga girls discarding their knickers. Football icon Ryan Giggs looking like Adam in the Garden of Eden after eating the forbidden fruit. The ever-growing Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Society. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange and his condom hatred. Arnold Schwarzenegger , the 'Sperminator', fathering a secret child with a housemaid thirteen years ago. Now imagine ex-IMF boss Dominique Strauss-Kahn heavily disappointed after being denied oral sex by that hotel maid he is accused of sexually assaulting in New York. Think about it. You don't need scholarly analysis to see the correlation. The profound resemblance reflects a prevailing despair in which men succumb to the spirit of hot rabbits and score goals in their own nets. And no need for advanced map reading to locate the diseased part of our anatomy.

It turned out even worse when someone who is not known for revealing his private life suddenly tells a wedding congregation that he has a hidden secret. He has a magic wand. I hear Robert Mugabe (RM); elderly despot boasting that no woman can turn him down. What if a woman did turn him down? Unleash a vicious bloodbath on them? Torture? Rape? This old fashioned attitude is unimaginable, distasteful and cannot go unmarked; he is a danger to women. Make no mistake, he was not joking. I pray he did not pose bare chested or strip naked like Stauss-Kahn. Surely these are end times.

Mind you, this was a Seventh Day Adventist faith themed nuptial. Although we do not know if they laid hands on his head, like the Apostolic sect where he claims to have got his stick from, this is a vital piece of information. They take seriously the issue of testifying (Kureurura). Mugabe must have been vindicated in some respect. I now wish that they invite him more often. He once carried the nations hopes but is now sinking it deeper in to the mud. Perhaps he will potentially open up in depth and take us to the bottom of those questions still embedded in our conscience. The liberation struggle, whose effect has been grossly over stated for propaganda campaigns and we have had nothing informative about his father, mother or even his origins.

I have no idea where that secret want he talks about is hidden. Besides, at 87 we know plenty about him already. It is obvious that the magic wand is not in his pants; otherwise the anecdote about the First Lady playing away would not have been so widespread. More so, there is talk that Mugabe's manhood was heavily tampered with by his Rhodesian torturers during his detentian at Gonakudzingwa and Hwahwa prisons. To give him the benefit of the doubt, his own revelations meant that the ITV's Loose Women and our very own Oprah Winfrey, Mai Chisamba would have had the pleasure of inviting him in for a cup of coffee.

It cannot too often be emphasised that quite a few men, I would suggest, would admit to the problem of having a young and sex obsessed wife. One confidante of the late Peter Pamire mentioned that Peter believed the First Lady had multiple sexual arousal syndrome. It's that moment when trusting your neighbour to replace a light bulb can be very hard. Every now and again, old wounds get opened up. It dosn't come as a surprise to me that James Makamba and Gideon Gono are believed to have injected their share in to the equation given the fact that RM said his wife took the stick for safekeeping. It's having a reverse effect! To make matters worse, Grace was once a private secretary in RM's cabinet office. Through the wits and titanic undertaking of his very close ally, Munhamo Utete, he managed to snatch the former Christ Mambo student from under the nose of her husband; a shameful and positively embarrassing way to acquire a wife for a man with magic.

Given these circumstances I am sure that, like Osama Bin Laden, Mugabe must be heavily dependent on 'herbal Viagra' (Mushonga wemusana or Vhuka-vhuka). I watched Colin Firth's The Kings Speech. I hear a porn version of this masterpiece is out, The Kings Piece. Then, of course, I can only imagine the trauma and horror that Mugabe's therapist is going through given the Wikileaks cable disclosure that he is so frail he needs support to wash his hands for dinner.

Dwelling on his secret life, Mugabe had no reputation of alcoholism. As part of his strategy he would intoxicate others so he could manipulate them. My understanding is that he used the same tricks to bring down the late Edison Mudadigwa Zvobgo, whom he would get drunk and depict themselves as God's chosen two, Jesus Christ and John the Baptist. Those who know him well openly admit that he is good at identifying peoples weaknesses and exploiting them. Those who recall the words of Margaret Dongo to ZANU (PF) MP's that 'Muri vakadzi vaMugabe' (You are Mugabe's wives). They were not homosexuals but blushed at their own credulity.

RM is not known as a womaniser either. It seems my country is unable to find an alternative in this portfolio and what defies belief is that not even one in the Women's League has accused him of fathering a secret child, unlike the testosterone mad Schwarzenegger. I am talking of those women with proper 'bottom...ass...assets' that will make Pipp Middleton look like an oxygen-deprived parrot and her fans renounce their devotion. Only Oppah Muchinguri , who has dated a string of men including the late Simon Chimbetu, has been linked to RM during the guerilla war. At that time Oppah was an aide to the late revolutionary icon Josiah Tongogara until his untimely death, shortly before our independence. I only cited this example for those doubting Thomases, still asking how Josia may have died and who stood to benefit from his death. Here is a clue.

That said I can't help thinking that Mugabe is on to something. His outbursts frighten many. It makes one feel very uneasy knowing that a neighbour has mubobobo and there is nothing you can do about it. And when you think even more about it, you can see why many people have been suspecting this man of having wizardry and witchcraft, just like Harry's nemesis Voldemort.

The tragedy then is that those who have come within RM's vicinity say his face alone is enough to strike so much fear that his wife Grace dare not mention him by name. Like the evil Voldemort, whom they refer to as 'you know who', RM is 'Shefu or Bob' for our convenience. We know of his strategic acumen for plotting against his foes.

I am told that during the Guerilla War Mugabe would trot across Africa looking for Sankoma or witch doctors. Through his alliance with the late Chief Rekai Tangwena, whom Edgar Tekere introduced him to, and Hastings Kamuzu Banda of Malawi, Mugabe had heavy muti (potions), including voodoo (Zvikwambo). How would he have survived the havoc of Ngozi after killing so many people? This is regarded as his pillar of strength and it is those potions that he uses to precipitate brutal reprisals leading to intimidation of those who dare stand up to him. Look at how he has spectacularly purged the opposition and the military. Unlike many other African countries, in Zimbabwe there has never been a 'candid' coup attempt or even a barrack revolt in the dictators 30 year old rule.

Even more troubling than this is RM's hostility to the late Joshua Nkomo. Mugabe did fear the Ndebele and did not approve of its loyalty to ZAPU. Though Nkomo (aka Bhuru renkozi or Chibwechitedza) was equally formidable, he settled for a brutal checkmate after being deceived. I first met Joshua when he arrived with his UD lorries filled with armed men at Mulena Supermarket at Dorowa Minerals, five years after independence. And three years earlier he had been sacked from his Home Affairs portfolio for allegedly being involved in a coup attempt. On that day the shops had to shut briefly for his presence. Hanging up his long, black three-quarter length jacket and hat he plunged me in to a terrible gloom. Since then I had no doubt that Joshua was so brave and had extraordinary powers.

Accidentaly, my second encounter with Joshua was in the late 90's along Harare's First Street. Perhaps it is because he was committed to the people and in pursuit of fairness. There used to be this guy who would walk on a wire and lift some heavy piece of rail (Njanji) with his teeth. Joshua touched that Njanji with his walking stick and asked the man to lift it as he always does. Hey, I have never seen a man sweating and frowning like that in my life. He couldn't lift that which he routinely poses with in photographs. Phew! Come to think of it, how powerful is Mugabe's potion?

It is also worth emphasizing once again, a Rhodesian prosecutors feeling after the acquittal of those involved in masterminding the Chinhoyi Battle in 1966. I heard the prosecutor failed to speak and lay out his case on three occasions, even though Hassan Chakezha had turned state witness and gave name after name. According to the Memories of Rhodesia's library archives the prosecutor strongly believed that the use of muti always brought victory to the natives.

Now that Mugabe is old, the worst outcome would be that he passes that wand of his to his 'son', Robert Jnr. Or to cut in to the Achilles heel of his nephew, Leo. However, in the event that RM dies before passing it on, please bury him at sea, just like Osama Bin Laden. Otherwise his ghost would cause mayhem and a catalogue of horrors in the streets of Harare.

Besides, here is something that touched my heart and would certainly help; even if Mugabe is a devil-worshipping man with a very nasty personality, and he may play the epic, sentimental, backwards-ageing man Benjamin Button, but mark my words; No one lives forever!

Wednesday 1 June 2011

Osama Bin Laden ; Imagining the dilemma, death, doubting Thomases and the Zimbabwean way.

During my early years I usually spent my school holidays divided between Mombeyarara and Chireya in rural Buhera and Gokwe respectively. There is one aspect that I found remarkably similar in both societies: accepting and handling the dead.

It was very rare to come across funerals as they are today. Children were not allowed near a funeral and would usually be moved to other places until the proceedings are finished. Those traditionally acclaimed humns such as 'Maria naMaritha or Mumureverer' and that significantly sumbolic glagged red cloth would alert us that something was not right. People then did not have to ask whether the deceased was a philanderer who would leave no skirt unturned, or did he have any evil, stained hands. Everyone was entitled to a decent burial and families would celebrate the deceased's life. They used to say 'Wafa Wanaka' (avoid cursing the dead). I too remember being told not to stare or to point at a grave. The significance of such myths was to save us from being haunted by such trauma (buka or kuvhumuka).

As time goes by so our attitudes change. In a country where the average life expectancy is low at nearly 49 years, it is not surprising that children bury each other. Although the tradition has not changed much regarding honoring the dead there is evidence of some men behaving rather badly. For instance, tyrant Robert Mugabe is sharp eyed at seizing these funeral platforms for political gains. In the past he has unleashed anger at his opponents at the National heroes acre on live television and there is no indication of him shifting his bad stance. I do not recall him making any comments following the killing of notorious dissident Richard Gwasela in the late 1980's. What I found outrageous were his comments and reaction to the death of one Zimbabwean nationaly who died in active service in Iraq while serving with the British Army in 2003. The late Piper Muzuvuru was not a traitor or a dog of war. He died doing the job he loved, may his soul rest in peace.

Today the most popular question when one passes away is "Ko afa nei. Handicho chakati kuuya ichi?" (What caused the death? Is this not HIV/AIDS?). Surprisingly, even Zimbabwe's untained eye can today diagnose highly complex conditions that an expert in the field would seek a second opinion on. Start going bald or get greying hair, they will say "We once told you". Interestingly, sharing a table with those you love can be a bad experience. You joke and giggle but by the time you leave for the toilet they whisper "did you see his red lips?" and the response "his eyes are too white, anorwara chete, ende vane HIV vanotaurisa (he must be HIV positive, he's talkative). Such is the problem of thought and stigma. However in the hour of need this is all irrelevant because whatever the cause, whatever the past, people would still come together, holding their peace and doing the right thing.

May 2nd saw an announcement by US President Barack Obama; that the worlds most wanted man, Al-Qaeda chief Osama Bin Laden, had been shot dead by the US Navy SEALs in his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. This made me proud to be Zimbabwean. In my country we don't celebrate the death of a man. As outlined earlier, evidence refuting or supporting this view could be inconclusive. It seems that even the death of the most hated figure after Mugabe, former Rhodesia PM Ian Douglas Smith was received like any other. Smith once declared that no black men would rule Zimbawe during his lifetime. He was responsible for the massacre of hundreds of thousamds of Zimbabwean fighters during the Liberation struggle following his Unilateral Declaration of Independence from Britain in 1965. He was so evil that he would facilitate donations of those famous poisoned 'Blue Jeans" (stone wash or Satani) to the freedom fighters. What remains unclear is whether Gordon Chavhunduka, the facilitator, knw that the chemicals in these jeans react in wet conditions, eating in to the flesh of these brave fighters. Yet, we appear to have accepted that past is past; Ian had to have dignity in life and in death.

Obama's words, "Justice has been done", are still ringing in my head. If Aristotle was alive today he would have been America's worst enemy. If justice means giving people what they deserve, then truly his modern heirs should be shaking their heads.

I saw euphoric crowds that thronged the White House chanting and showering all sorts of praise to Obama. It was only a week after Donald Trump forced him to produce his birth certificate to prove that he was a bona fide citizen. They celebrated the killing of a man who wreaked havoc and troubled America for many years. What is evident is the nature in which the horrific 9/11 attacks were carried out. Though Osama has urged Muslims to continue jihad against the US and Jews alike, he denied any involvement in the bombing and killing of 212 people at US embassies in Eastern Africa on that dreadful day August 7th, 1998. The world also knows that the CIA armed and funded the Afghan Mujaheddin during the war against the Soviets. Does this answer the conspiracy theories that the CIA created this monster? However, amid all this joy at the 'assassination' of Osama, the world has been united in principle but with emotions overshadowing morality, opinions have been divided.

It is important to understand how Osama Bin Laden was killed and whether that was the right thing to do. It seems that the US backtracked on its priginal statement that Bin Laden was armed. They later issued a statement to the contrary. This together with their refusal to publish images of dead Osama gave the leftists and conspiracy theorists another reason to doubt US claims. Whether the images would have been provocative and incite revenge or would make him a martyrm many people believe that these mistakes by America will fuel terrorism rather than thwart it.

Clearly there is no way of knowing the truth from the fairytale America tells us, given their recent spectacular display of verbal acrobatics. It is believed that in politics lies prevail. However, this makes the world more unsafe and uncertain. What is clear is that there are no elections to fill Osama's boots as it is in politics. By the time Obama is re-elected for a second term as a token of appreciation the world will be more dangerous because we do not know how these ideologically inspired extremists are going to respond. What is even more worrying is that we can't identify who the real enemy is. With radicalism a key issue deeply rooted inside a respectable religion, it will be hard to differentiate the two and to attempt tackling one without upsetting the other. So for America to treat the cause and not the effects; they need to set their goals clearly to avoid repeating these confusing and unhappy endings.

If Osama was unarmed just like his 9/11 victims it was wrong for the US to shoot him dead. As a former soldier myself the rules of engagement prohibit such action. But the rule of engagement isn't much help because it begs the question that is tat the heart of the debate; War on terrorism? Many would argue that justice is only delivered through a fair trial at a neutral courts of law, as was done at Nuremberg to those Nazis accused of crimes against humanity after the Second World War. Yjay, after all, is how Dr Rowan Williams thrilled me by revealing that 'the killing of an unarmed man' left 'a very uncomfortable feeling'. Another interesting moral dilema to this effect was that of a Navy SEAL, Marcus Luttrell, in 2005 when he had to cast a deciding vote on whether to release Afghan goatheards. He said 'It would be wrong wrong to execute these unarmed men in cold blood". The real point is not whether Osama was armed or not, as long as he did not pose an immediate threat, the life of any man is vital. Killing him this way because he was evil makes the US equally evil.

Given that their goal was to kill or capture as described by the US Attorney General Eric Holder, we can only make assumptions of what could have happened given these misleading statements. We are not told whether Osama did surrender to the SEALs. It will be reasonable to suggest that they shot him because he was about to detonate himself; a characteristic feature of al-Qaeda and its militant ally, the Taliban. In this case the SEALs had a duty to protect themselves and Osama's family.

A further assumption by contrast, given that the US always do things their own way, is that of the prisoner's dilemma. They remind me of the famous words of Don Corleone in the Godfather, "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse". Osama must have faced a dilemma; we kill you now or get a summary executionat Guantanamo Bay at a later date. For this reason alone he must have looked like a bull knowing it is being fattened for slaughter.

Another scenario is to imagine Osama facing his six Navy SEAL capturers. He is unarmed. There he sits wearing a woolly hat and a brown blanket with his small TV set behind him. He is probably humming the old classics from te master of song, the late Simon Chimetu. It can't be anuthing other than Samatenga or Nguva Yakaoma. He is subsequently very high on 'verbal viagra' as we are told he had three wives. Osama might have had young wives, given that his family disowned him in 1994, the same time Saudi Arabia stripped him of his citizenship. What might he have said to the SEALs? "Take me to Britain alive where I can get money each week and a house for free?" Of course the US would argue "if we don't kill him now, imprisonment is clearly not in the public interest".

Surely some people would celebrate at this vengeance but, wanted or not, Osama Bin Laden was a son, a father, and above all a human being. Notwithstanding that I am with those who lost their loved ones on that dreadful 9/11 day. If I were President Obama I would condemn such overreactions in which justice and rights become casualties of evil. But even I would consider former Foreign Secretary Jack Straw's words that followed Israel's orchestrated assassination of Hamas founder Abdel Aziz. He said that "the British government has made it repeatedly clear that so called 'targeted assassinations' of this kind are unlawful, unjustified and unproductive".

Besides, setting aside my personal moral and religious conviction, I am proud to be Zimbabwean. And its great to say I, and many alike, respect the dead.